Wait, Where Do You Go Now? My Undergraduate Experience: Part 1 - Prelude & Backstory

Prelude: Realizing My Limitations

I give you Exhibit A

          This past semester I took a course called “US History Since 1945.” Whenever someone found out that I was in this class, I would get responses that varied from “oh, that sounds boring,” to “that sounds hard,” to “that’s really interesting,” and so on. It seems to be that people’s opinion on studying history is not exactly easy to categorize. It is not as simple as “you either love it or you hate it.” Sure, some people fit this mold, but there are many that float somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. Some only like certain kinds of history and some are only interested in history that comes in the form of a Facebook meme that gives a life message or political stance. Anyway, the point is that this spectrum of opinions can be transposed onto this course. Regardless of whether or not one likes the time period in consideration, there are still similar steps of evaluating the events at hand. The difficulty with this course was that it covered events all the way to the present day. Thus, it raised the question of: how are we supposed to evaluate things that just happened? Indeed, we can see the immediate effects of events such as the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan or the economic recession of 2008, but we would be foolish to ignore our limitations. Students of history look at subjects like the Roman Empire and are able to place it in its proper historical perspective because of the amount of time elapsed from its fall (whenever one thinks that is). 

          I am writing this blog to tell you about my undergraduate college experience, so what is the point of all of this talk about history? Essentially, this is a disclaimer; just like my US Since 1945 course, I have a limited perspective on my college experience (I did only finish a little over two weeks ago). I can only tell you how I see my experiences in this moment, but they are at least considerably fresh in my mind. Five or ten years down the road, perhaps my experiences will mean something much different to me or I’ll realize the meaning of past circumstances that were confusing or challenging at the time. How I see it right now is that in August of 2011 I began college as a much different person than when I finished college in December of 2014. Recalling the transformation from the time one is a high school graduate to a college graduate is not that daring or unique of a task. However, I contend that my journey over this time (i.e. changing majors twice and enrolling in five different schools) is maybe not the most interesting story ever, but it is at least somewhat unique. Thus, I begin this story standing on the shoulders of my senior year high school self with the realization that one day I will probably go through the same process and look down upon my December 2014 self.

The Backstory: My Senior Year in High School  

          Most self-help books will say that it is good to set goals and develop a plan. Sure, authors will package this in different ways and wrap it in other elements of motivational speech, but going into my senior year of high school, I had my own form of this. My goals included things like getting superior grades, scoring a high ACT score (maybe that was junior year, I don’t remember), finding a college where I could study sport management and play baseball, and the cherry on top, obtaining a girlfriend. Looking back, I guess one could say that I was a fairly self-oriented person. I think we all are to some degree, but I took these goals really seriously. It is permissible to work hard for one's aspirations, but I did so without taking time to evaluate why I had them. 

          Speaking of hard work, that year I had never worked harder at preparing for the baseball season. The amount of time and effort that I put in was a big reason why I was voted one of the captains of the varsity team - something that I was really proud of, something that I could put on my resumé for college, and something that I probably let go to my head. The team had a great season, but I only had a slightly above average one and did not live up to the high expectations that I had for myself. Even though I constantly stressed over my performance, I still managed to have some colleges that were interested in me or at least that were willing to let me on their team. That helped to ease a lot of the tensions in my mind. 

         As far as the other goals went, I in part succeeded. I had a solid GPA for a veteran honors student and a respectable ACT score (in case you’re wondering, I got a 28); but looking back, I suppose that I could have done better, tried harder, whatever. Concerning girls, I dated a few different ones with nothing amounting to anything that serious. At times I was sincere in these relationships, but as I was with nearly everything else during my senior year of high school, I was calculated. 

I was voted Prom King - the crowning achievement of my self-image

          I think that we all desire to be perceived in a certain way, but I was way too caught up in maintaining a proper self-image. I wanted to be known as a strong Christian - someone who didn’t drink, smoke, or curse, who was actively involved in church and who was an all-around nice guy. However, I also longed to be liked. Even though I strived for the Christian image, I sought ways to show that I could still be funny, outgoing or charismatic (hence, Single Ladies). Sports represented another way that I could compensate for the ways in which my Christian image limited me. In fact, I used sports and knowledge about sports as compensation for a long time. As a chubby kid in elementary and middle school, sports gave me a sense of belonging/status and talking about professional sports was a distraction from the things I was insecure about. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I was a deeply depressed child, but these influences definitely lingered into my high school years. I loved baseball, but I saw the prospect of playing in college as the ultimate justification for my love of sports and proof that the one-time fat kid was a legit athlete.  

2011 District Champions

          Beyond being perceived by the people around me, I was also conscious of my college applications. Nearly all of my extracurricular activities were influenced by how they would look on a resumé for college (granted, some were influenced more than others). For example, I was the vice president of the National Honor Society at Midpark. Did I do some things to help NHS? Sure, but I know for a fact that there were members who weren’t officers that put in way more hours than I did. Yeah, I had other commitments, but instead of truly wanting to contribute to the program (and to others), I got the position and gave less than a haphazard effort. With any other activity, be it baseball or youth group, I should have given my all without having a self-serving attitude. I guess hindsight is 20/20, but if I had lived in the moment, rather than worried about building a report for the future, I could have opened myself to the blessings of these opportunities. 

         Regardless of what I think that I should have done, one can’t change the past, even though that sounds terribly cliché. I spent most of the summer after graduation hanging out with friends, playing baseball, and going on dates (I don’t consider myself an irresistible player, I only add this detail to further show that it was one of the things that consumed me). I committed to attend Otterbein University; my mom went there and I loved the campus. I received a decent scholarship and planned on playing on the baseball team and majoring in sport management (goals being met). 

         I know it might seem like I am cutting you off too early, but this is where I’m going to leave you - August of 2011. I want to tell my story in chewable amounts, so in my next post I’ll talk about my one semester at Otterbein and my thoughts and goals going into college. Despite only being three years ago, I am going to tell you how I believe that semester changed my life.

Epilogue to Part 1

         I suppose that one can interpret the evaluation of my high school self as rather negative. For those of you that knew me during my senior year of high school, perhaps you did not see me in the way that I portrayed myself in this post. It was not my intention to completely bash myself. Indeed, I was not completely disingenuous in high school, nor was I a morally detestable person. Furthermore, none of my comments should take away from the good times that I had in high school  - either with friends, teammates, or fellow Orange Crush members. Those are very fond memories to me and I often miss those times. However, I tend to be a critical person (sometimes to a fault) and I look back and see the things that I should have done differently. Now I sit here and question my actions and at times wish for a second chance or wish that I learned certain lessons earlier than I did. Yet at the same time, if my actions were in the slightest way different, how would that have affected my current position (hello...McFly!)? I am not saying that my current position is perfect, but I believe that God has used my mistakes to continue to mold me into the person that he wants me to be. In John 15, Jesus describes God the Father as the vinedresser, who prunes every branch that bears fruit, so that it may bear more fruit. I think that one of the purposes of my college journey was this pruning process (i.e. pointing out and removing underlying or hidden sins/habits in my life through some kind of chastening) and by no means do I believe that this process is complete.

"Anybody home?"

          Closing note: I have this strange back-and-forth between confidence and insecurity. In one sense, I am writing about my journey because I want a chance to explain myself, to make up for any decrease in my reputation, and to achieve some sort of closure after what seemed like both a 10 year experience and a 2 week experience at the same time. In another sense, however, I assume that you have a vested interest in all of this and that you’ll love that I am sort of “pouring my heart out” to you. Yes, I want people to read this and yes, positive responses would be ideal. Even though these feelings influence this writing in some way, I have a deeper feeling that I need to tell people about where I’ve been and what I’ve done over the past three-four years. There are much more enticing and dramatic stories than my own, but my hope is that you get something out of this, even if it’s something small or even something negative about me. Anyway, if by some reason you continue to read my posts, I hope that you keep this in mind. Thanks and stay tuned!