Cedarville: Immediately Before, During, and Immediately After
Let the debriefing continue, I
suppose. The Facebook status below is now more than 3 years old, and it seems like so
much has changed since then. I’m probably being overly dramatic, but I feel
like a different person now. It’s not that I don’t believe the same things, or
that my behavior has changed drastically, but I think that I have matured, and
have grown in wisdom (I still have a long way to go, trust me).
Allow me to go back for a moment,
and analyze myself during this time. As I stated in my previous post, I was
eager, perhaps a little too eager, to transfer and start studying at Cedarville
(the support that I received really helped and I am genuinely appreciative of
that). In reality, it was the only school that I looked at. I was going to be
away from home, so why not explore more Christian schools? There were plenty of
them out there. Perhaps I would have come to the same decision, but it would
have been a more informed one.
Forgive me for continually playing
the hindsight game; it’s how I evaluate myself. The process of choosing to
transfer (which, as I stated before, was incomplete) and the process of choosing
a new school are accurate reflections of what I was like during this time. I
was a Jack Russell Terrier chasing a truck down the street – bound up with
energy and acting on it, but not exactly thinking my actions out. Could there
be a better vehicle to chase, like one with assorted deli meats in it? Is
running the most effective method to catch a vehicle? Could my energy have been
spent better doing something else? Etc., etc..
I think that I had one half of the
equation solved – willingness to act. I talked a lot about “surrender” back then,
which is commendable, and I was probably still amped from the decision to embrace my calling. It can
be hard to maintain that kind of spark, and maybe that’s a lesson for 21-year
old Steve (third person, ouch). Many Christians talk about being “on fire” for
the Lord (no, not literally), which requires boldness and taking risks.
However, that doesn’t mean discernment should be tossed out the window.
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| Showing off a Cedarville shirt. Christmas 2011. |
Once again, the only school that I
looked at was Cedarville; maybe I thought that it was my only option because I
was familiar with it. Nonetheless, I ignored the facts that it was in the middle of podunk
nowhere, that there was no cable in the dorms, that there was a midnight
curfew, that even holding hands with someone of the opposite sex was barely
permissible, that wearing shorts was the unpardonable sin, and that students
were required to go to chapel five days a week. (I’m not saying that these
rules are necessarily bad things, but rather, the philosophy of having so many
rules – especially when everyone at the school is supposed to be a Christian –
is at least subject to question). Beyond that, there were serious hurdles to
jump as far as transferring mid-way through the year (e.g., confusion with
financial aid and the admissions department). I was told by an admissions
counselor, “if God wants you here, you’ll end up here.” I hope that’s an indication
of just how stressful it was to even start school at Cedarville, but it was
only the beginning (dum, dum, dummmm).
This stress lasted all the way up
to the day before classes, which was when everything finally got settled. As if
starting at a new school with all of these rules, and knowing no one, and
joining a new baseball team, and switching majors MID-WAY THROUGH THE YEAR
wasn’t enough. Suffice it to say, I had a hard time relaxing.
I lasted a week.
I was constantly surrounded –
whether it was in class, in chapel, at baseball practice, in the cafeteria, or
in the dorm hall – but isolated at the same time. Maybe this was the product
of being new, but I had never experienced anything even close to it. I had no
orientation week; I was just thrown in, and I thought that wouldn’t be a
problem. I thought I would be able to overcome any problems with my charm and charisma.
The classes were satisfactory, and
I was excited for a couple of them. Some were overwhelming (e.g., when a professor prays for 25 minutes on
the first day, or when the first day of a class involves a 50-minute exam
seeing how much students know about the subject), and I knew most of them would
be challenging. I felt like a loner in most of my classes (all aboard the
self-pity train), and it was a much different environment than I was used to. Yet,
if the only uneasiness I felt about the school was due to these minor issues
with my classes, then it would have been completely fine. However, there was
more to it.
After being in the best shape of my
life the previous semester, I had drifted during break. Baseball began
immediately, and I had no time to catch up. There were other guys that also
joined the team mid-way through the year, but I still felt incredibly out of
place. This was (once again) way different than what I had been a part of the
previous semester. I felt like I had no compensation either; my pitching
velocity was down, and I had a hard time keeping up with the team’s workouts.
In other words, maybe the transition would have been smoother if I was a
stellar player, or at least in good shape.
My anxieties about chapel and dorm
life were confirmed. In my last post, I said that I was picky about the music
that’s played at church-type services, and I still had this attitude at
Cedarville (my stance on it currently is a subject for another day). The music
at chapel was not what I expected, and it especially threw me off when the
worship leader blatantly told the thousands of students in the auditorium to
put up their hands (that’s just never been my scene, nothing against people who
do that). If that weren’t enough,
students were required to go to two chapels a day for the first week of the new
semester. Again, this was a new type of environment for me. I couldn’t exactly
wrap my mind around the reasoning behind the strict requirement to attend
chapel, let alone what went on during chapel services.
Moving on to dorms. With such
incredible classroom and athletic facilities, one would assume that dormitories
would be held to the same standard. Different from Otterbein, I shared a
microscopic room with another person. It was a suite-style dorm; so, one suite
had multiple tiny rooms, a 3’x6’ “longue,” and bathrooms shared with another
suite. Do people around the world and even in the United States, live in worse
living conditions? Absolutely. But, it still doesn’t make the conditions ideal
– especially for the price of room & board. Not to mention, there was no
girl visitation (which, I could get over), no cable, a midnight curfew, and the
campus was 30 minutes from civilization. I felt like there was no escape.
Yes, the people were nice, but they
had to be. I don’t mean that to be a criticism, but at times it felt like an
obligation. I wasn’t a part of any group. I suppose it’s difficult to find that
in a week, but I knew it would probably be tough for the rest of the semester.
There were efforts made by some to include me, but being the new guy was a foreign
scenario. Sure, it would have helped if someone had empathized with me more,
but the people weren’t the ultimate reason that I left. So, if anyone I know
from Cedarville is reading this, I hope you know that I hold nothing against
you.
OK, hindsight game: looking back, I
probably could have made it work. Maybe if I quit the baseball team, and just
concentrated on my studies/social life, it would have eased my stress. Or,
perhaps I blew all of the negative things out of proportion, and if I had just
waited it out, I would have gotten used to the school, and found my niche. But,
I was miserable. Once again, I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but it really
was just an awful week for me. Not only was I in a difficult situation (one
that I had never been in), but also there were so many things about the school
that really didn’t sit well with me. Like I said earlier, some of this stuff I
should have figured out before I went there, but a lot of it was unknowable
until one actually experienced it. My aim wasn’t to roast Cedarville; there are
good, Christian people, who do great things there, but I just had a strong
feeling that it wasn’t for me.
I knew that students could get a
full refund if they dropped out after a week, so I made that phone call to my
mom. She supported me, but she made me make a plan of what I was going to do if
I was at home. It wasn’t hard for me to come up with a plan of action. Even though
I was excited about a lot of my goals, I told most people that God was calling
me to be at home, rather than saying I was miserable at Cedarville. Most
probably inferred that.
Home
This is what was on the list that
I sent my mom:
1. Start Fellowship of Christian athletes at
Midpark
2. Possibly coach baseball at Midpark
3. Lead Youth Group at Old Oak
4. Start music band at church (one or two songs a
week)
5. Start a Not a Fan study
6. Study online/under Pastor Dave
7. Join Team Tebow organization, volunteer
8. Raise money/organize mission trip for the
summer
9. Start Insanity workout to stay in shape
10. Start a
basketball league ministry
11.Continue to
study on my own
12. Get connected
with church family, outside of church
I came home with lots of ambition. I talk about “compensation” a
lot, but in a way, my fervency to do these things served to mask my
embarrassment of Cedarville not working out. Even though I was still conscious
of how I was perceived by others, I still did the majority of these things, and
I did them with a full effort.
I tried to
accomplish number 1, and went through Young Life, FCA, Youth for Christ, and
others, but nothing worked out. The process was lengthy, so I kind of gave up
on it after a while. I actually fulfilled number 2, and it was a great
experience. I was an assistant coach for the freshman team at Midpark; I knew
the other coaches well, and I enjoyed seeing the game from a different
perspective. Admittedly, it was a little weird being a coach and still being
18, but that didn’t spoil the experience.
I continued to lead
the youth group, and for a while we split into two different classes – middle
school and high school. I poured a lot into the lessons, and stressed over how
many people showed up. I’m continuing to learn how to prepare in the wisest way,
and I like to think that I emphasize relationships with students just as much
as the material presented.
Other accomplished goals
off the list include numbers 4, 6, 9, 10, 11, and I halfway accomplished 7 and
12. I played at most one song with
another musician at church every week (yours truly was on electric drums). They
were specials, rather than songs for the congregation to sing along to
(hopefully that’s not confusing). I ended up taking online courses through
Liberty University; they were low-level Bible classes, but they were for
college credit. I also completed Insanity and suffered through Shaun T’s subtle lisp
(FYI, I didn’t get that great of results).
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| 4 on 4 B-ball Tourney |
I ran basketball open gyms, which
eventually turned into an eight-team league that ran on Sunday’s, and then went
back to open gyms on Friday’s. I consistently had surprisingly big turnouts (we
got to the point on Friday’s that there were over 50 guys in our tiny gym). I
wanted more of a spiritual aspect to it, and I struggled with the
behavior/language of some guys. I tried handing out Gospel tracts and inviting
guys to Bible study, but I didn’t get any bites. Eventually, behavior mellowed,
and I reconciled that guys knew what I stood for and what the church stood for,
so merely getting them in the building was a good thing.
I also started a “fifth-quarter”
outreach for teens on Friday’s after the high school football games. It started
small, and we struggled to get people there, but eventually we got decent-sized
groups. We played games like hide-and-seek and dodgeball, hung out, and ate
food. Once again, there was a lacking spiritual aspect, behavior got out of
hand, and it became too much to handle.
I didn’t quit on baseball. I joined a
men’s hardball league based out of Strongsville. I was the youngest on the
team, but it was still baseball, and it was solid competition. I’ve played on
that team for the last three summers.
I gained a lot
of exposure/experience through my "compensation." I became more independent, and I learned how difficult
doing any kind of church ministry can be. In my previous post, I said that God
began to put me through a humbling process after Otterbein; once I had been
home for a few months, I began to realize this. I gained insights in how to
deal with being a young person in a leadership postion, and I was slowly learning to embrace my past with school,
instead of being embarrassed by it.
I didn’t want an online college degree.
I still wanted the experience of being at a school, yet I didn’t want to lose
all of the things I had been working on at home. This limited my search to
schools that I could commute to, or go back and forth without that much of a
hassle. I ended up choosing Ashland University. It had a religion department, and after communicating and meeting with the department head, I felt confident
that it would be a sufficient program for an aspiring pastor.
I lasted a semester.
Ashland
I thought coming at the beginning of the
fall semester would make for a smoother transition. In a sense, it did, but it
wasn’t as helpful as I thought it would be. Orientation is a lot different as a
transfer student, and I ended up rooming in an old fraternity house that the
campus took over (I requested it because it had air conditioning). Thus, I
didn’t make immediate connections like I did at Otterbein.
My classes were adequate, but none were
especially challenging. I talked to a few people in my classes, but it can be hard
to make deep connections during an hour-long lecture. Occasionally, I was
assigned group projects, which forced me to meet with others outside of class.
This was okay. I like to think that I get along with people generally well, but
people usually already had their own agendas and their own sphere of friends
that they hung around. I know, these are excuses; I could have tried harder to
get plugged in. However, for a while I attended The Well, which is essentially
a church service on campus every Thursday, and I went to a small Bible study on
Tuesday’s. Based on what I grew up with, I wasn’t really comfortable at The
Well, and I am aware that I leave myself open to criticism because of that, but it’s how I felt. Thus, I didn’t really hang around those people all that much
(again, it’s not that they were bad people). Moreover, I was gone every Wednesday
night for youth group and every weekend for basketball on Friday’s and church
on Sunday’s. I became satisfied with just being a student at Ashland; or maybe
a better way to put it is, I became satisfied with staying inside of my shell
and being completely independent. I went to class alone, worked out alone, ate
alone, and did homework alone.
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| Selfie in my dorm at Ashland |
One of the aspects about Ashland that
attracted me to it was that I could get my bachelor’s and master’s in 5 years,
since there is a seminary connected with the school. What I didn’t realize is
that this meant that the religion undergrad program would be a little thin. If
my memory serves me correctly, religion majors were only required to complete
30 credits, which led the faculty to recommend to most students to pick up
another major. I guess I could have gotten over this if I was blown away by how
great the religion classes I had taken were, but they were pretty underwhelming
(my world religions professor was a little out there, man * hippie
voice *). It also would
of helped if there were more than 10 other religion majors. All things
considered, I started looking at other schools.
For still wanting to be close enough to
home to go back and forth frequently, and wanting more out of Christian-based
degree, I saw Malone University as my last hope. The school had a Bible &
Theology degree that seemed much more comprehensive than Ashland’s religion
degree. At the end of the day, like my time at Otterbein or Cedarville, I
probably could have made it work at Ashland. More time would have brought
connections. I could have been more “open-minded,” and actually made an effort
to consistently attend The Well. I even could have put going back home on hold
to get the full college experience. Nevertheless, for how great of an investment a college education is, I
desired more out of it, and that’s the ultimate reason why I decided to
transfer, yet again. Was it a fair judgment after only being there for one
semester? One could say no, but I still believe that it was.
Once more into the fray - I would try
again and transfer mid-way through the year. It was easy for me to feel sorry
for myself, and to look at myself as a failure or an outcast for continuing to
go from place to place. That attitude often kept me from seeing the positives
in circumstances, taking risks, and being outgoing (that was the theme of my
first semester at Malone).
This is where I’m leaving you – on the
brink of 2013. My next post will be my last, and will cover my time at Malone,
where I’m at now, and my current plans for the future. To those at Cedarville
and Ashland, God bless you. Perhaps my decisions to leave either school wasn’t
fair, but I want to communicate once more that it was what I believed to be
best at the time. One of the themes of my posts has been that you can’t go back and
do it over, but I believe God has used my decisions – whether they were good or
bad – to continually mold me into the person that he wants me to be.
